Who would think there are such colossal differences in outcomes based entirely on the mindset you enter into them with? I say this because I have led a life that has constantly procured unhealthy and destructive results, simply because the failure was preemptively welcomed under the guise that it was maturity in accepting an unwanted outcome. But I got what I wanted, the delay of immediate responsibility and the continued shaking of fists at an unjust universe.

The elusive search for inspiration is avoided once again by attaching sudden motivation to an arbitrary timeline thinking it promises a greater success than the blind willpower in the attempt that preceded it; in some false notion that this season will be less valuable than others, inadvertently creating an excuse that if you don’t succeed- all will be well.

Mental health being so immersed in acceptance from myself has completely missed the point of grace and redemption from a higher institution that I desperately need to submit myself to. Lost in the labyrinth of “if this, then that” scenarios that all end with an amicable and generally agreeable scenario has ultimately forfeited the opportunity for joy- for a hard fought victory. More importantly, the time to rest when suffering.

My plants emulate my own psyche- the thirst between waterings as the seasons change, the old molded soil that has given way to disease, and dead limbs that make a sad excuse for leaves and flowers. A reminder of the lost potential, forsaken by willful ignorance. While I am grateful to have real plants, and not fake plastic trees, mastering the discipline to water consistently undermines the complexity of living things. And the importance of pruning what is stealing life.

So in the season of the frost, and the seductive whispers of warm covers and lazy mornings- may I be reminded that I am losing the race. Erase the notion that you are exempt from rules by opting out, and instead- loss by forfeit. There is nobility in the exhaustion from a heavily laden back from seeds you plant but will not see grow in your lifetime. May I be cut back and tamed like the wild nature.