don’t really know what I am supposed to do to start something. I say that because my default is to plan. But learning and doing at the same time don’t really seem possible- I want to move forward with confidence but am frozen in time waiting for the right moment to leap.

I want to start but I don’t want to be new at it- I want to get past the growing pains and embarrassment of being a beginner. I don’t really believe in prodigies- I think you earn it one way or another, it’s all about those 10,000 hours you put in.

Comparison is the thief of joy, but I don’t look like the people I want to look like. Expectations are the enemy to happiness but contentment feels like giving up.

This journey doesn’t feel like it’s A to B, it feels like I have learn my ABCs. Start way back at the beginning. So if I am that far behind, why would anyone listen to me? Better yet, when would I be ready to teach something? And if I am never qualified to teach, then I’m probably not good enough to just stick to doing it either.

The worst part of it, is I expect it to come naturally- maybe even easy. That I can thrive but not having to think about it. The curse of creativity- and how it feels unruly and uncontrollable. I am at its mercy, like it controls me. At the very least, it’s like fishing where you are going out to catch something- but you just can’t get any bites. A fisherman who can’t catch anything? Sounds like he’s bad at his job to me.

There is nothing better than making and the satisfaction that comes with contentment, felling confident your own image and who you have become. But what is beauty if not observed?

If I care about social media and cheap dopamine, I will take advantage of the chokehold it has on our lives. I’ll document myself, for myself, because I can’t keep losing. I’m looking for accountability that comes from my own word. Because what is a man if not being what you claim to be?

So I guess I’ll make some plan, and I guess I’ll try to stick with it. I guess I’ll try and take charge of my creativity, I guess I’ll try and script this all myself.